6 Years

It's been 6 years, 3 kids, a million tears and a million laughs. I love him more today than I did on that day...it just keeps getting better.

P.S. I haven't really been as huge a blogging slacker as it seems. Blogger hasn't been letting me add pictures, so I have like 3 or 4 posts that I've started and couldn't finish. It looks like it is working now, so I'll be posting again soon. We have lots of funny pictures of our goons! :D

Funny Baby Clothes

Oh my goodness you guys, check out this website! I stumbled upon this yesterday and am IN LOVE!!! How adorable would my babies look in these shirts? I love all of them! In a time when it is hard to find things for your kids that aren't the same as what everyone else is wearing, or if you do find something, it usually has a cartoon character on it, here is something cute and original!!! How cute with S look in this?Or, Miss A in...well, all of them?? Seriously, go check out this website, some really great shirts there!

Oh, and Lori, there is even one for Cohen!

6 Years

Wow, today is September 11. I can't believe it's been 6 years already. I am sure that you all remember exactly where you were and what you were doing when you heard the news. For me, I was at work. I went in early that morning, I had to interpret a parent-teacher conference. I was headed to the interpreter's office after the meeting when a student stopped me and told me that an airplane had crashed into one of the World Trade Center buildings. I couldn't believe it. The rest of that day is imprinted on my mind so deeply. Hearing more and more, yet trying to keep it quiet so as not to scare the elementary students. That night, I couldn't tear myself away from the TV. Jeremy and I were to be married in one month and I just cried for all of these young brides and mothers who were now without their husbands. I cried for all the children who lost their parents and all the parents who lost their children. I just cried. Today, I remember those who died. I honor those whose lives were lost and forever changed by this day. Today, I remember all of those whose Angel Day is today.

My Big Boy

S started school this week. He LOVES it! It is really a great group of kids and ladies. The boys all seem to get along great, and best of all, HE LOVES IT!!! Here are the two pictures he let me take of him on his first day...he's so cute!

Ah Labor Day

Hello!!! What a fantastic weekend :) I love Labor Day weekend, not only does my dearest husband get to stay home and play with us, but I love that it signifies that fall is almost here! We had a good weekend, very nice and...well, I wouldn't call it relaxing :)

On Friday night we procured a new (to us) standing freezer. I feel like a real grown up now, we have a freezer in the garage. I am really excited about this. What this means for us is that I do not have to go to the grocery store several times a month to get meat. Our small freezer in the house just doesn't hold much, so we never had more than 2 weeks worth of food in the house. On Saturday, we went grocery shopping, and I mean shopping! We made a menu for a month and we now have everything we need (minus a few fresh items) to make all the meals for a month! I am thrilled!!!!!!!!!!!!

Today we talked about going on a picnic. But, Jeremy was up at 5:30 (yes, on his day off) to start smoking some butts. Pork butts that is. He got 3 pork butts and smoked them all day today. He and S also made a bird feeder. We have a problem with grasshoppers in our garden. Our theory is, have food for the birds, get them to our yard, they'll see the grasshopper dessert that is in the garden! I am crossing my fingers this works. Here are a few shots of the boys (oh and A had to get into the game too!) making the bird feeder. I have a feeling I will be getting a book all about birds soon as I am sure one of our newest hobbies will be bird watching. Any recommendations?



Today I also took the opportunity to do a little sewing. I love wearing ring slings, my kids love being in the sling, so I have decided to start making them. So, today while A was sleeping and the boys were busy, I made a sling for my friend Kara. I really love how it turned out. I love it so much that I want to keep it. But, I won't. I made it for her and she will love it just as much as I do!

Oh and tomorrow...S starts preschool. I am just so excited for him, but a tinge sad. I can not believe he is old enough to do this! I know, before I know it he will be graduating from high school, I don't want to think about it. I am glad my kids grow up, but it is hard. I'll post pictures of him tomorrow on his big day!

And the knitting...yes, the knitting :) I am making this sweet baby cap for my sister-in-law, who is having a baby in November. When I'm done with the one for the wee one, I'll make one for Miss A. She will look SO cute in it this winter!!! Wait, she looks cute in everything!

Thank you all for your wonderful thoughts and good energy that has been sent my way recently. This has been a tough week...it is every year, but I am doing better. We went today and sent Ladybugs to Emma. It is one thing I really enjoy doing for her. We get a bag of Ladybugs and release them at her grave. I love watching them fly away.

Now, for some pictures of my other babies. Oh, and lest you think I am the fantastic photographer that did these pictures, let me set you straight...it was my dear friend Sarah. She really does such a fantastic job! Thanks again Sar!

1460 Days

Today, August 23, at 2 pm will mark 1460 days since I last held Emma, alive. She nursed for an hour, I laid her down for a nap, and that was that. She died 4 years ago. I can't believe she would be 4 years, 8 months and 8 days today. She would have been such a big girl, such a good big sister, so much fun for her brother and sister to play with.

I've been thinking a lot recently about what 1460 days means. What exactly have I missed? I have missed her first steps, first words, hearing her say "I Love You". I have missed watching her play with babies, develop preferences, have attitude with me. I have missed countless hugs and kisses, I have missed wiping thousands of tears, I have missed watching her grow. I have missed watching her face light up and laugh at a joke I tell her. I've missed her going to preschool, going to nursery, Sunbeams and whatever class is next in Church (I don't even know!). I have missed hearing her say prayers. I've missed her telling secrets, learning to draw, write her name, and do somersaults. I've missed swimming lessons, soccer and dance - 3 things I loved as a child. I've missed her crawling into bed with us, her last nursing session (the one where we were both ready to be done), and watching her nurse her baby dolls. I've missed countless times of pretend play, making her costumes and teaching her to knit. I've missed 1460 photo opportunities - all mine stop at August 22, 2003. I've missed 4 birthdays, 4 Halloweens, 3 Christmases, 3 New Years, 3 Valentine's Day, 3 Easter's...and the number just keeps rising. I've missed watching her become a big sister. Watching her brother and sister and she interact. I've missed watching them make memories together, memories that I would never be a part of, because it is just them. I've missed so many things, what I've written is just a small fraction of what I've missed...but of all the things I've missed, what I miss most, is her. The very essence of her, my baby girl.

She is so very loved and so very missed. It's funny too, that it's not just Jeremy and I who miss her, but Seth misses her too. He will tell me every so often that he wishes Emma were here to play with him. In our curio cabinet we have special Emma things, her pictures, hand and foot molds, and some special toys. Well, one of the toys is a Cabbage Patch Doll that my friend Michelle got for us right after Emma died. It is a doll with blue eyes and reddish brown hair and is wearing a ladybug outfit. Seth loves that doll, yet I've never let him play with it. He asks me, quite often, if he can bring Emma out of the cabinet and play with her. If only it were that easy buddy, if only it were that easy.

Speaking of Seth and Emma, he's been asking me more and more questions about her. He wanted to know how she died. I told him that she was sleeping and Heavenly Father and Jesus needed her to come back to them, so they took her spirit and she died. He seemed ok with that. A few days later he was making up a song at the piano, it went something like this: "Emma, you are my big sister. You went to sleep for a nap and you died. I miss you. That is why I sing this song for you Emma". He really is so sweet. They would have had fun together. As I watch Seth and Amelia together, I realize what I've missed out on with Emma and Seth...and what they have both missed out on too. I know that for me, growing up with 4 siblings was fun. I loved playing with my brothers and sometimes my sister (she was much older and into different things). I loved playing with them and now I really enjoy the friendships I have with them. I watch Seth and Amelia play, they love eachother, they are eachother's best friends...oh what they are missing, another friend, another playmate, a sister.

So now, my heart not only breaks for me and my loss, but for that of my living children and their loss. All they know of their sister is pictures, video, and things we tell them. Amelia will grow up knowing that she looks like her sister. Seth will grow up knowing that he came into our family when we needed him more than anything. He is the reason I am still alive.

I just finished the book, The Dollmaker by Harriette Arnow. In it, a little girl is very tragically and suddenly killed. Her mother watches her death and holds her baby girl as the life goes out of her. One passage really spoke to me, I read it, then read it to Jeremy and we both said, "yeah I've felt that".

"There began again that continual reliving of the last few moments of Cassie's life when over and over she would put the picture together again piece by piece like one methodically laying hot coals on her own body."

I can not tell you how often, in the quiet hours, I have done this. I have relived that day, the decisions I made, the clothes I wore, what Emma did, what I did, how she looked when I laid her down for a nap...I also relive the nightmare that followed...what she looked like, how she smelled, how I hurt, how I still hurt. Oh how I miss that girl, forever and always.

In the quiet hours (they are so few these days) I think of my baby girl. As I kiss Seth and Amelia and put them to bed, I pray they wake up and always know I love them. I also pray every night that Emma knows how much I love and miss her.

I feel like this post has been just a jumble of thoughts and emotions...I guess that is ok because that is what I am, just a jumble of thoughts and emotions. It helps for me to write it and for me to set aside some time just for Emma. I made this slideshow for her also...just be warned, you may want tissues.

Make video montages at www.OneTrueMedia.com

Oh my Emma...I love you more than you will ever know. The short time I had with you, I relive daily. From the moment I learned I was pregnant with you, I knew that you would be such a special gift in my life. I loved feeling you move, watching you grow, giving me heartburn. Then you were born, oh what a gift, truly. You were such a fantastic baby, so happy. When you cried, I knew I could fix it. You made mothering very easy, thank you. After you died, someone told me that we hurt so much because we love so much. That must be why I still hurt, because I still love you. Everyday I wonder what you'd be like, what you'd look like, what you'd sound like. I miss you baby girl, please watch over all of us, be our guardian angel.
Goodnight my angel....
Love,
Mama

Vacation, Part 2

So, for our second vacation, we went to Zion National Park. It was so beautiful! The company put us all up at Zion Ponderosa Resort and this is where we stayed with 3 other families (scroll down). We had such a fantastic time! We ate good food, swam, hiked and went to the petting zoo there at the resort. They even had a rodeo, that was so much fun for Seth! Enjoy the pictures, I know we enjoyed taking them!




































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































This place was just amazing. The mountains are SO huge and just majestic. Do you see me in the picture? I am standing on a rock (that is why I'm the same height as the van), but it gives you an idea of just how beautiful it is there.